Six ways to release steam in kids with BIG emotions
Disclaimer before we dive in: labeling kids with these generalizations is solely for purpose of conversation and growing awareness of these behaviors, not labeling who the child “is" yet noticing and adapting moment to moment.
This is for the externalizers.
Externalizers are kids that tend to have big reactions, that are expressing their emotions, letting their emotions be known and often behaving in ways that build punishment and reactions from adults in their lives.
For guiding a child that tends to externalize emotions there a few things that we can do to support them. Many questions that we receive are what to do or how we can react or respond in the moment to help the child, however, I want to talk about what to do outside the moment that can help these kids gradually release steam over time versus have them blow up or explode in moments that we remember.
1. Pretend play: The first thing I would encourage you to explore is pretend play to get curious and increase your awareness of the child’s cues and where they are and if they are even interested in pretend play. This could be you encouraging them to be an ”angry johnny” that is growling or barking or whatever the primitive angry response that comes out in their play maybe. Whether this is a pillow fight or rough and tumble play where the caregiver gets involved too. You can be angry mommy or angry daddy and try. Stay within their comfort zone to some level- you don’t want to be angry to the point where its fear-provoking and they can’t play a wide array of emotions.
Drop the rules. Drop the judgments. Drop the ideas Drop all the history that we have with these emotions and just play. The hope is that we have a safe container for the child to practice and embody these emotions so it doesn’t feel like such a big deal in the moment.
So think 10-15 minutes a day one to one is ideal, then find a rhythm that is realistic. Think of it as how an adult would take a workout class or “me time” to rebuild their resources for emotion and sensory processing and all that goes into that. This is space for the kids to boost their resources and practice embodying and releasing these emotions in a fun way.
2. Attune to subtle shifts in their emotional state and learn their triggers: We want to recognize the beginning signs that our child is becoming stressed - then help reduce whatever the stressors are in the moment, whether that is something environmental, interactional, or activities-oriented. The idea is not to TAKE AWAY their emotion (comfort zone) but to BE PRESENT in the emotion through that trigger so that they feel empowered and competent - but not over the top stressed. In this, we stay in the middle range (stretch zone): the range that is regulated and alert with a healthy amount of stress that allows growth and not immobilization (panic zone) where the brain is in fight or flight. Hoping to stay in that middle range and work within the shifts that occur. (Photo of comfort, stretch, panic zone) It will be very helpful to stay present and attuned to these subtle shifts. Watch and stay attuned to these subtle shifts and validate their emotions. The validation helps dissipate emotion, helps kids’ nervous systems to integrate it, and allows them to make meaning of it.
3. Avoid in the moment teaching: I say this specifically for kids that like to be in control that like to feel powerful. Often kids that have these big powerful emotions feel powerless because they know what they should be doing and they want to please but they don’t have a lot of control, because they are working with their brain development that is making it really tough for them to control these big impulses. Avoiding teaching helps separate this power and control dynamic that separates us from them. When we teach we are being the leader and power authority figure in that moment. It can send the message that our way is better. You might say “I wonder if” or use a less direct way of teaching. The idea is to follow their lead, think there is no right or wrong way and believe that they can do it. Let them be helpful, It could sound like “what would you do next” “Could you do this side and il do the other side?” “How would you do it? We could do it in totally different ways.” We are just there as an observer and a guide and less of a power and control authority figure that is so often in their lives.
4. Consistent Physical Interactive Play: This would be rough and tumble play, pillow fights, “horsy rides where they are riding on your back throwing them around. We want to combine the emotional relational connection with play and again follow their lead and expand. This is not about us coming in with our ideas and controlling their play and teaching them all these great ways to play it's more about following what they are interested in. Often play is where their interests can manifest. We can see those and use them in really helpful ways and release energy from the body that builds up. With this rough and tumble play the sensory/motor overload that gets build up throughout the day has a chance to exhale and be released from the body.
5. Set compassionate limits: The idea behind this is we want to build the muscle of regulation. If we are expecting them to practice regulation when they are super stressed, super heightened and they are having big body experiences it is setting everyone up for having a really tough time. Instead what we can do is practice setting clear compassionate limits throughout the day. They may not be happy with the limit and that is okay. Our job is to then be available and present for their rising emotions in the moment. The idea behind this one is to allow their emotions to be shaken up by the limits of the world. It sets them up to realize the world cannot cater to their every need in the moment. It builds the muscle of delayed gratification and the ability to be patient and sit with the uncomfortable experiences we all have and will continue to have throughout our lives. The goal is to let them realize that emotions will arise and we will be there to help guide them or co-regulate with them throughout it and they are not alone in these big complex emotions. They have us there. If you are new to this, I suggest setting limits when they - and we! - are in their/our most calm, organized state.
6. Avoid reward-based interactions: There is a difference between praise that is intended to have a child be compliant and specific praise that is individualized to the child. Rewards-based interaction is something like: “if you are good at school today then you can get a cookie.” The idea is that if these kids are having a hard time at a neuroscience, brain capacity level to control their emotions and their bodies are telling us they need help with that and guidance then they are doing the best they can. Whether their behaviors are testing limits about the world or if their behaviors are really out of their control than us putting a reward on that is creating shame and guilt because if they are truly doing the best they can (even if it may not seem like it because they are triggered and stressed and in survival mode) then it contributes to this “ugh I'm trying the best I can and keep messing up” thought/feeling. They know what is expected outside of the moment but in the moment it's tough. We want to focus on repairing and talking about ways we can work with them next time and saying “you know johnny every day when you get home from school you are upset and crying. I wonder what's going on? I wonder what you are feeling like in your body.” It can show we are with them and we are on their side. We are not a power and control figure that is wanting them to behave in a perfect way society expects.
Reminder: These are a few ways to start. This is never a full list and never will these apply to all children. First is knowing our child, being a detective and getting to know their intricacies and enjoying them for who they are in this moment!