Guiding kids who tend to hold in emotion (versus let it all out)
Disclaimer before we dive in: labeling kids with these generalizations is solely for purpose of conversation and growing awareness of these behaviors, not labeling who the child “is" yet noticing and adapting moment to moment.
Internalizing behaviors tend to show up in kids labeled as "easygoing" or those that fly under the radar, often the achievers or perfectionists, maybe the kids who rarely seem to have or present a problem.
When internalizing, we humans may hold it all in, detach from "non-preferred" or less accepted emotions, and soldier on.
When we tend to internalize behavior - instead of blaming others or acting out, we blame ourselves and repress. Instead of getting angry at others, internal resentment builds. Internalizing behavior means we may be more likely to hide or disregard interests or needs to “honor others,” keep the peace, be easy to be around, and feel quasi-accepted -yet never seen for who we really are.
How to guide a child who tends to hold it all in?
Here are some ways to start.
“Instead of just “encouraging” the child to be spontaneous, we model spontaneity and playfulness through daily routines and life. ”
As always, this is by no means a complete list, individuals are never all or none, and adapting again and again to the individuals in front of us is where it all happens.
Create space for play: Create space for fun, joy, playfulness, spontaneity and work those things into your daily life. Instead of just encouraging the child to be spontaneous, we model spontaneity and what it means to be playful. This can be tricky if that's not how you grew up or were raised, and we have to feel organized and safe enough to access this level of being. The idea is anything to get them outside of the mold of how things “should be” or how things “should be expected to go”. Expand their boundaries or expand their definition of what is expected of them because it's all of these different expectations and rules that have contributed to the internalization of emotion. Anything that we can do to break the mold, break the boundary and get them outside of that is often helpful. Try focusing less on the outcomes. Often these kids are outcome-focused or focused on how they're being portrayed/perceived so any time that we can encourage them to drop that is positive.
Shake up the rules: Think about the “rules” that we have created for the way things “should be” - then question all of them. Question the expectations that we have for them and for ourselves; are they driven by what matters to us or ways we've been programmed by family, culture, society?
Schedule one-to-one time: At times, any child may be deeply fearful of taking up space, being loud, being truly seen and heard. Creating space for one-to-one time where they can interact with you or interact with somebody that they trust and care about provides opportunity to break the “stress cycle” we humans are wired to go through and complete again and again, yet which so often stays stuck on “stress” mode because of the way we live now. Creating an environment of safety is the goal - ditch the expectation. This means not asking high pressure questions, not quizzing them throughout, not using their time as a chance to “teach” or share our knowledge or the “right” way to be. This is a space for no rushing, getting to know them as unique beings, showing your interest in getting to know them. By doing this, we encourage them to WANT to take up space and share their gifts with the world.
Notice subtle cues, especially emotional cues: It’s easy to identify outward behavior like hitting, yelling - internalized behavior is a lot tougher to identify and read because of the nuance and subtlety within. We tend to miss subtle cues in the pace of daily life - it takes time and energy to attune to emotional cues, especially with those that have more restricted affect. When we notice a subtly new expression, slight change in affect, something different from typical we can pause and share - “I wonder how you're feeling” or “I wonder if something's off right now” or “I wonder if something didn't feel right about XYZ”. We're trying to tune in and hone in on those cues that they have throughout the day and play detective without added pressure. Though all, validating their experience so if they do share a “negative” emotion in some way, welcoming it and not shutting it down. We are showing that we're interested in hearing about it: Take up that emotional space.
Neutrality or non-judgmental space: The idea behind this is that we want kids to feel that we are not laying on the pressure - whether positive or negative. A big celebration, praise, or rewards can still feel like pressure to these kids - any overt reaction or enthusiasm can come off as pressure, or our external opinion of what they are “doing” versus loving on them for who they are. Neutrality around the way we respond can be helpful - commenting on what they are doing without adding our external, well intended yet potentially unhelpful judgment.
“When we notice a subtly new expression, slight change in affect, something different from typical we can pause and share - “I wonder how you’re feeling” or “I wonder if something’s off right now” or “I wonder if something didn’t feel right about XYZ”. We’re trying to tune in and hone in on those cues that they have throughout the day and play detective without added pressure. ”
To sum it up
As complex emotional beings, our human mission to feel safe and secure enough to feel a more steady stream of emotion, acceptance, and release so we don’t hold it all in to explode either internally or externally later. With little humans, this means co-regulating again and again, reducing our involvement as we go, and in doing so modeling tools for them manage these complex thoughts and emotions on their own when ready down the road.