Repairing "Wrong-Doings" with Kids
How to remedy those moments when we get caught up in our own agenda and miss seeing or hearing our kids?
One of the most powerful relational antidotes to behavior routed in anger such as aggression or name-calling or frustration is feeling heard. When we feel angry a big trigger for this is feeling unheard, unseen or rejected in some way. This is a very painful human experience and it goes way way back to our biology to be part of the community and part of the group. To be a part of the group meant survival. If we are rejected from this, or not heard, it triggers this abandonment in our biology within us and it can be really emotionally alarming.
Being seen and being heard is a really vital part of being a human.
That said: we as humans are flawed, we mess up, we make mistakes, we are totally imperfect and we are all working on our own journeys all the while relating to others. On top of that, everybody has a different definition of what it means to be seen or what it means to be heard. This further complicates things. We do not have a handbook for every single human and what matters to them. All this to say is we are going “mess up” we are going to “miss the mark” and our kids are going to full unheard at times. Why is this important to go back and repair? What do we do? How do we remedy this so it is not stored in their body?
Why is IT important to go back and repair?
I think of trauma as unresolved or unprocessed experiences that we did not make sense of in a moment or there were an overflow of sensation or processing to the body’s mind and emotions in a way that the child could not process what that experience was. For this, whenever a child has an experience that doesn't make sense to them we do want to make meaning of it and help them out somehow. We are totally imperfect so recognizing that they will have little unresolved emotion in their body or things stored up no matter what just because that's part of the human experience it's not about going through life in this perfectly safe secure way. Although that's ideal it doesn't happen like that so we will mess up we will say or do things that hurt them in some way and we will act outside our values when we are triggered. In these moments it is all about the repair. The repair builds safety in comfort in kids.
Real-life example: For deeper understanding lets explore this using a real-life example. Let us say Johhny is a child that is really interested in something and they really want to stop on side of the road and look at a bug! A child is in this beautiful flow state they are noticing these things that they are interested in and it seems totally trivial to us. “Johnny let's not stop now we are on the way to the store”. We have things to do, we have places to go and there is this frustration that builds up and we react. They are purely in the moment and we are focused on where we need to be next. We are not hearing their desire to experience this beautiful bug on the side of the road, we have our own agenda and we put the kibosh on theirs and keep moving along.
These are small somewhat trivial moments that often show up in day to day life. However, if we do not go in and remedy it experience upon experience can lead to Johnny to start to feel not seen or heard or valued for his innate interests or desires.
Even things that seem really trivial or unimportant to us can be really big deals for them and recognizing that in that moment that the bug is Johnny's whole world, he's not thinking about the problem with being late or having things to do or planning the day because that's above his brain level right now. He's thinking about “oh this is a cool bug let's experience this let's stop and do this”. We want to slow up and really be aware of what that experience is like for them. It helps us with empathy or understanding in other situations.
What do we do? How do we remedy this so it is not stored in their body?
After there was a rupture in the relationship, which is a misattunement in some way, the child needed something or wanted something and we were not attuned or we were not observant of that in the moment. The child has an unresolved need or unresolved want and we want to go back in and repair the missattunement. In their mind, they might not be making the full experience of it or their body or full understanding of it.
One: Repair in the moment: If you catch yourself, which is high-level emotional regulation or emotional organization for us ( this would be determined by how triggered we are in the moment- the more triggered we are the less likely we are to catch it). If you can in the moment acknowledge that you overstepped, did not hear or did not see them. You can say “that came out more harsh than I meant it to and I'm going to try a different way”
You might take a breath. You might apologize you make it clear that you are shifting your behavior in a way that will be meaningful for them. Even if Johnny is not old enough to make meaning of this it is a powerful way to model emotional regulation and humility and recognizing that we are totally imperfect and we mess up and we can be open with that and have it be connecting versus disconnecting.
We are acknowledging Johnny's love or appreciation for this experience or this bug and we are seeing it and we' are hearing it and then recognizing that we have somewhere to be and redirect them to the task at hand. Connect around what they found important and then redirect. Further, you can even talk about what talk about what you were experiencing emotionally. It could look like “I'm afraid right now because we are running late for to drop you off at school and then I go to work and I am late for work something happens to me and I'm worried I could lose my job”. You do not need to go into all those details but just knowing for yourself that what your root emotion is is valid and it does not mean that it has to direct your guide our behavior. We have the choice to choose our behavior in-spite of what emotion we maybe experiencing. When we mess up and model with them what we would do differently next time. In this validate how it may have impacted him “maybe you are scared Johnny that I was using that voice, that was loud, that makes sense, you are safe and I’m not angry with you.”
Two: Repair after the moment and give narrative: Sometimes we are going too be triggered or in our own agendas that we miss the moment. It is not until later in the day that we realize that we did not see or hear or child in the moment. Its not to late to go in and repair and draw meaning from it for our child. You can draw a picture of what happened to you talk it through. Talk about the bug they saw, ask questions, show interest in it.
Put words on what you were experiencing. “I was so nervous about being late for work and getting to the store and getting to work that I came out with this angry tone and I could see on you face you were scared by it” “then you were running around and maybe you were a little bit nervous because mommy's voice was so scary or maybe you got silly because your body was not sure what to do or how to respond to that and you are running around and nervous or fearful or afraid”
We want to be mindful that we do not put words in their mouths but we want to give some language or give some ways to label it. Labeling it helps the left brain to click in and categorize and make meaning of this other areas of the brain that are flooded with visuals or emotions or this lack of clarity that they are grasping for about what happened. It is less about what happened and more about how the child is making meaning of it so how they are understanding it how they are processing it in their body and how they are able to bring some clarity into their mind and form a helpful, accurate story. “Mom was worried about work and I got angry because there was some fear underneath - I did not mean to, I will try better next time.” It helps them separate the idea that mom was angry, it was all my fault, I am bad, I did something wrong, I am a terrible child, I'm a terrible human. We tend to go to those dark places as humans especially in childhood and they continue out through all our lives. Us guiding the story helps them not personalize it.
Three: Convey safety and connection: No matter what convey safety, presence, love and connection. Instead of saying something conditionally, such as ‘well if you did not take so long get ready this morning and out the door, we would have had time to stay there and be with a bug”. Instead of blaming, we want to convey that whatever Johnny was doing is okay in the moment - it does NOT mean we are condoning all behavior or approving of any behavior that shows up. It is NOT saying that any behavior is okay it's validating the emotion, validating the interest in this experience and really hearing and seeing them no matter what their behavior or emotion is in the moment. If Johnny were to get upset in that moment and start to hit mommy because he does not want to go, he wants to see this bug, then we are not really connecting around that hitting - we are saying I know, this makes sense you are so upset about having to leave this bug, or that made sense and at the moment I did not see that in the moment. “I just wanted to hurry you along because I was afraid of being late, I missed that you were hitting because you were so upset about it.”
In the moment we want to think about how to hear or see the root emotion because that is where the child will integrate the emotion. They will understand that if they are feeling that way in the future, their parent is on their side and they can work through it versus reject others, have tendency to self-harm, or isolate themselves in the moment.
Remember:
At the end of the day, we WILL make mistakes. It is not about perfection - it is about acknowledging when we do have a misstep or missattunement. It is about repairing it and moving forward, together.