how to promote waiting + relationship instead of “teaching” sharing + Apologies
Teaching kids rules such as “to share” at a higher developmental level than they are ready for can trigger the same part of the brain as the fight or flight response, meaning they can become more disorganized (“dysregulated”) in the moment versus learn the valuable content we would love to instill in them - yikes!
One of my most recommended books is: “ It's OK NOT to Share... and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids” by Heather Schumaker. It reminds us that it isn’t complianc, but connection that matters in guiding kids to engaged, cooperative, and empathetic.
However valuable “manners” may be down the road, in early childhood it’s about figuring it all out from an embodied level of being. It is about relating in the moment, connecting with the environment and peers, and living emotions that arise in a way that allows them to gain feedback from others/the environment and shape their impulses as a result. Maybe counterintuitively, forcing sorry and sharing before the child is developmentally ready can interfere with your child's innate desire to share and build the capacity for deep empathy later in life.
“Maybe counterintuitively, forcing sorry and sharing before the child is developmentally ready can interfere with your child’s innate desire to share and build the capacity for deep empathy later in life. ”
Instead of saying please because we tell them to, we want them to feel it in their bodies. We hope that they will have it modeled by countless caregivers throughout their lives in ways that they can understand.
Sharing is a beautiful tradition and humans innately want to help and share with others - when we are developmentally ready. Our young children are not wired yet to share, they have many other developmental milestones to hit before they are to learn these more prosocial behaviors. In early childhood, there are a few barriers (actually very important developmental brain states) that interfere with their ability and desire to share!
Developmental Reasons a Child May Not Share:
One is CENTRATION. Centration is the tendency to focus on only one aspect of the situation at a time. During this stage, children have difficulty thinking about more than one aspect of any situation at the same time. They see a child playing with “their toy” and they don't automatically think they can play with it after. We model that for them. Through modeling, we have potential to shape their experiences, notice cues they otherwise may not, and gradually develop capacity to see outcomes beyond the current devastation of a momentarily lost toy.
Another barrier is EGOCENTRISM. Children's thoughts and communications are typically egocentric. Egocentrism refers to the child's inability to see a situation from another person's point of view. If a child is playing with a toy, they will not automatically understand that the other child also wants it.
Pushing sharing and apologies for a child is confusing for children and innately robs children of another invaluable practice... WAITING.
five practical ways to guide a child to intrinsically share (versus sharing because we tell them to):
Model, model, model. Model the actions and behaviors and emotions we want to cultivate.
In the moment modeling: Check in for them and take action to see if the other peer is okay, e.g.. If a child takes a toy from another kid or says something mean we can check in with the kid and observe what they may be feeling:.“You look surprised, I wonder if youAre you feeling scared that Billy hit you?” or “You are crying, you look sad that Billy called you a name?”
Sportscasting. Focus on sportscasting or pointing out, verbalizing, and relating to each child’s wants and needs in the moment eg “Ugh Billy wants the train but Joey is loving using it right now.” “Uh oh...This is a problem.”
Focus on each child’s emotions, wants and needs and stating it is a problem versus problem solving for them
Promote waiting. “That toy is not available right now, I know you wish it were” “Billy when you are done playing with it can you let Gina know” “It's hard to wait, I know, let’s can we find another toy to play within the meantime”. Promoting waiting helps build the lifelong lesson of emotion regulation. It teaches our kids delayed gratification and how to ride the wave of emotion instead of forcing or demanding.
🏎Guide them to emotionally stay present with the problem solving if they are ready,
🎠Set structure around time and turn-taking if they are not ready for problem-solving
Repair.
🚀Focus on the return to fun explorative play whether alone or with a peer.
When the child empathetically feels remorse we can then teach them ways to repair with friends such as saying sorry.